Monday, April 22, 2013

30 Days: As Plain As the Nose on Your Face

It was a dark and stormy night. Lightning split the sky, and the sound of a dog barking up the wrong tree woke Rodney from his troubled sleep. Now he was wide-awake and chomping at the bit.

His bedroom door creaked opened. “Wake up and smell the coffee, sir,” voiced Jeeves apologetically. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but there’s a girl at the front door.”

Who in tarnation would be out on a night like this? It was raining cats and dogs. Young Rodney’s parents had both kicked the bucket years ago. Their approach to child rearing had never been spare the rod and spoil the child, but Rodney missed his old man like a duck misses the water.

“We can’t leave her hanging. Shall I let her in?” inquired Jeeves quizzically.

Rodney raked his hands through his hair and bit his lip to keep from screaming. He didn’t want to beat around the bush because he knew beggars can’t be choosers. Plus the butler was old as the hills and Rodney was a glutton for punishment.

Rodney ignored the chip on his shoulder. “I’ll get the door,” he stated matter-of-factly. “Then we’ll see which way the wind blows.”

Quicker than a New York minute, Rodney reached the large oak front door. It was now or never. After all, there was more than one way to skin a cat.

Even though he was dog-tired, he took the bull by the horns, grasping the doorknob with a white-knuckle grip. It wouldn’t open. He buckled down and pulled. Still nothing, so he made a last ditch effort. Third times the charm, he thought in his mind to himself. He put his back into it, and that was the ticket. The door flew open.

Rodney’s eyes popped out of his head. There stood a real looker, cute as a button and wet behind the ears. She smiled, flashing a set of perfectly white teeth.

Rodney’s heart skipped a beat and butterflies filled his stomach. Suddenly, a cold chill ran down his spine. Could she be a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Too late now, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. After all, lightening never strikes the same place twice.

The girl at the door looked daggers at him. “Take a picture, it will last longer.” Her voice was smooth as silk.

She was only a stones throw away, and Rodney couldn’t trust her, not for all the tea in China. But why should he be afraid of his own shadow? There was no point in closing the barn door after the horse had bolted. It was just like his mom used to say, All roads lead to Rome.

“Come in,” he invited nervously while waves of fear crashed over him. No bones about it, she looked like someone back from the dead—a blast from the past. True, you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole, but you also can’t judge a book by its cover.

He waved the white flag and tried to break the ice. He was the man of the house now, and he called the shots. “You must be frozen solid.”

“I’m not here to chew the fat,” she declared assertively. “I have a bone to pick with you. You’ve spent your whole life swimming with the sharks, and where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I’m your long lost sister!” she finally proclaimed.

Rodney opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He looked like a fish out of water.

“Wow,” the girl exclaimed. “I knew you weren’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but you’re slower than cold molasses in January.”

It seemed his hands were tied. After all, blood is thicker than water. He would have liked to sweep this under the rug, but a chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

“What am I, chopped liver?” he questioned inquiringly. “You’re wearing your heart on your sleeve. No need to sugar coat it, I can see you’re in a world of hurt.”

She ran forward and threw her arms around him. “I don’t mean to rub salt in your wounds, but here’s the whole ball of wax: someone murdered our parents.”

“No!” Rodney moaned sorrowfully. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

“Who died and left you in charge?” she demanded angrily. “I’m at the end of my rope, and the only person who can help me is not just whistling Dixie.”

This girl was wound tighter than a spring. She should've known better than anyone that it's not over till the fat lady sings.

“When all is said and done,” Rodney uttered defensively, “actions speak louder than words.”

“Does that mean you’ll help?” she queried hopefully.

Rodney already had one paw on the chicken coop. It was time to look at the glass half full. “I may be grasping at straws, but yeah, I’m in—hook, line, and sinker.”

She tossed him a grateful smile, then pulled a crumpled piece of paper from her back pocket and gave him a taste of his own medicine.

“A picture is worth a thousand words,” she started to begin saying. “I found this smoking gun. A picture of the snake in the grass who killed our parents.”

Dead men tell no tales, and Rodney doubted that what you see is what you get. Still, he gave the photo the once-over.

It was a picture of a man who had as many chins as a Chinese phonebook.

That took the wind out of his sails. He hated being caught with his pants down. Now that he was wedged between a rock and a hard place, he could finally see the writing on the wall.

He didn’t have to compare apples to oranges to know who was in the picture. And just because curiosity killed the cat, didn’t mean he couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag.

“Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” he professed. “The butler did it.”

The cliches in this piece are many layered--plus I added a few gems of bad writing free of charge. I hope you enjoyed them all. What made you LOL?


Karlene said...

The butler did it! Ha!

Michelle said...

It took me 3 paragraphs to figure out what was happening, but then I started laughing :) It's hard to pick a favorite, but I like the toothpaste one because I've never heard it before. The wind out of his sails paragraph had me laughing pretty hard too. Very creative, love it!

Bruce Luck said...

That was the cat's meow. Very clever.

Yamile said...

I tried leaving a comment yesterday, but blogger hates me!

I loved this story. very clever and funny. My favorite was "He thought to himself," of course. And the various emotions running down his spine cracked me up. You rock, Jules!

Scott said...

Ha ha ha! I lost track of the story because I spent the time picturing the cliches literally--always fun to do. "Heart on his sleeve." Eeewwwwwww!

And yet, it works.

Julie Daines said...

I threw a few things in there just for you Scott! I hope you noticed them all.

Scribs said...

"Rodney raked his hands through his hair and bit his lip to keep from screaming."

HAHA. All you're missing is, "And then he let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

Very clever.

Also, "he thought in his mind to himself." with italics. Hahaha.

You just need them both to be heart-stoppingly gorgeous, and you're on your way to a best-selling YA novel!!

Julie Daines said...

I actually had he let out breath he didn't know he'd been holding, and a few other physical cliches, but I took them out to keep it under 1000 words.

Haha! I knew you'd like those!

T.J. Reed said...

I have always liked, 'Well I'll be a monkeys uncle.' Very funny and creative haha.

Brooke @ Silver Lining said...

Idiom and cliche central! This was so fun! It became a contest to see if I could catch all of them. I like the toothpaste in a tube (I'd never heard that one before).

Anonymous said...

Bless your heart. I thought somebody'd learned ya better.

Loved, loved it.

Jeff Hargett said...

Excellent! Why that was so well done, it didn't leave a speck of pink! But really, anything that begins with a dark and stormy night has got to be awesome. Loved it!

widdershins said...

Brilliant ... sure to be a best-seller!